loser in life
i lay awake tonight wondering if ive wasted my life away waiting on the wrong girl.. bits and pieces follow to the events and certainly i know if i had not known before that things have change and people change and i find myself asking a question if this is the kind of life i want to lead.. i tend to do things that my heart feels right and thats the problem when u dun use ur head.. ur heart's onli function is to pump blood to keep u alive but on the other hand it can also stop and kill u.. so heed this advice, trusting ur heart can onli lead to 2 things life and death..
i wonder where i stand.. i wonder if i have just found the meaning of life or am i starting to fade away and die.. i have decided to sit out this night juz making sure i stay alive.. my heart feels heavy and i dun feel safe.. i feel vulnerable i feel wasteful and yet whos willing to lend a listening ear.. nobody i guess at this ungodly hour.. as i sit alone in front of the screen typing my life story and perhaps at the end i can find a solution although i know a solution is not what i am looking for.. its juz simply an answer to a question which yet can be answered..
have i lost in life, have i wasted my life for somebody else.. is my life lived for somebody else and why have i done that.. why have i not realli did things for myself.. how could i have lived a life pitting someone as more important than myself.. why have i loved someone than i love myself.. what have i done wrong and what kind of thinking have i conjured up.. how can i make this stop and can i make this stop.. and i guess if only GOD can talk to me, i will ask " What do i do now? " i will have trust in his answer cos i know at the very least, he will take care of me..
somebody talk to me..
posted by: mfirdie @ 11:53 AM
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Depressed
At times I feel tired and weary on life.. laziness creeps into my life influencing me not to do things.. not to indulge with promises to keep and yet i do nothing.. then i feel empty like there's nothing with my life as if i dun mean nothing to anybody and then i'll be depressed.. emptiness is the main thing that affect me like there's no meaning to a life i lead.. i do the same thing day in day out and theres not much of a difference.. at times the worst thing i bore myself.. any activities that i set out to do are mostly short lived and it is due to many "excuses" never reasons.. so wad do i have to do to make my life interesting?
the meaning of life differ for each individual and sad to say i have yet to find mine.. at this age and time i guess plans should be made on wad i want to achieve and as difficult as it sounds but actually simple to implement, i should just go out there and do it.. I should start soing things instead of juz thinking of doing it.. so wad shud i do? i dun noe.. i hate it in life when ur unsure of wad u wan.. or sometimes feel that wad u want is too far fetched or seriously it juz takes more effort in achieving.. but seriously nothing comes "cheap" or easy.. it usually takes up a lot of effort and motivation and determination and patience and a whole lot of other cliche wordings which a simple human being just doesnt possess.. here i am again saying that i cannot do things with the "excuse" that i dun have the qualities needed to achieve anything so why am i complaining at all when i have "accepted" myself to be what i am and said no words on changing the way that i am..
i am in a word stuck.. i am in a position where too many layers of cushion are piled up all around me to save me juz in case i fall.. yet sometimes to make things interesting, u gotta have those wounds and take those bumps.. thats when u realli learn dont u, i am in the process of thinking of taking those bumps and eager to have those wounds.. yet i am merely thinking of it not literally doing it.. somebody come to my rescue..
posted by: mfirdie @ 5:55 AM
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Its one week since my grandma's passing and i guess im still in a state of disbelief with how sudden it was.. Unexpecting the worst comes to mind seeing as how her condition was deteriorating.. but still i did not expect her to leave us that soon.. I regret the fact that there was not much that i had done in her last days.. I guess most of us will always regret not doing more for the people we lose.. I wish that she could have been with us for another 20 years to live to a ripe old age but on the other hand seeing as how much she would have suffered due to her illnesses i can only hope that her passing was with minimal pain..
At times the skills and talents that we have can always be a curse in disguise.. in my case i somehow resent the fact that i am of medical knowledge in the stats of well being.. on the day that i entered the room as my grandma lay unconscious on her death bed, her vital stats brought to me the sad story.. i stood there in disbelief for 15 minutes wishing my eyes are playing tricks on me.. With the stats staring back at me evidently, I can only hope and pray that the facts are wrong, that there's something wrong with the machines that a miracle would occur but deep down inside i hid the truth.. It was a time where i was rendered helpless as my grandma faded away from me..
The only things i remember of her were her last days with us.. How ill she had become and how helpless she was in that she needed most of us to help her move around and even do her daily routine.. There were a couple of falls where she took and i didnt know then if they were going to contribute to the injuries that she has already suffered.. We had always pestered her to seek treatment and she always refused.. Being the older generation i guess play a past in that where we experience many elderly refusing to go to the hospital despite being so sick and insisting that they are fine.. i wouldnt contribute her passing to the fact that she was in hospital, i choose to believe that if she weren't sent to the patient earlier, something worst might have happened and the consequences maybe even fatal..
I will always remember my grandma who doted on all her grandchildren and i am one of the lucky few who was bestowed upon her preferential treatment.. I always loved making my grandma laugh and teasing her when she sits in her chair in the kitchen to take her medicine.. I will remember her as the one who will always buy gifts for her smaller grandchildren, the one who will smuggle money in various places to give us without the knowledge of my grandpa.. I am truly blessed to have a grandma like her and i guess i owe a part of what i am today to her for the things she taught me, her bedtime stories to me when i was little and i pray for her everyday that shes in a better place and i hope that i have done her proud with the things that i do, for who that i have become..
posted by: mfirdie @ 12:21 AM
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well first and foremost we are juz mere days away as the year draws to close and so heres to all
thus with the dawn of a new era and what not, we all get a year older and presented with what we call a new start where we can right a few wrongs and we so called have our new year resolutions.. i guess 2 days away till new year present me with that opportunity to ponder and sit on it on what i wanna achieve so i guess heres the list.. my list at least..
a) Unknown to any of u, me and my girl have made a pact of some sort whereby we vowed to improve ourselves at least appearance wise and on my side i have to work my butt of for 6 months, yup the due date would be in JUNE coincidentally my Operational Ready Month (ORD oH!!) and well on my side of the bargain would be to achieve this amazing feat =
well so that is the plan.. and in return hmmmmm i dun realli know wad shes gonna bring to the table actually.. food on the table would be good.. heh.. nv mind..
b) aspirations aspirations.. as a human being we have our so called true calling and in it i guess i have found mine.. sorta.. well at the very least i am going to work myself towards that direction. i have decided that i wanna try up taking a Football Coaching Licence.. that would be to sign up with FAS and i guess we'll see how it progress from there..
and in order to prepare myself for that challenge i have made the necessary preparations.. ive seriously not been pumped up this much in my life but i guess the anticipation was just too much to take and i guess well this IS a personal space so im gonna share with all of u my secret formula.. ta-da..
haha.. well not realli.. Manager games have been one of my fav games on the PC console and its one of the items on my wishlist.. the thing is when u are in my shoes is that u got the priority things on ur wishlist but at the sametime ur cash suddenly disappear to areas where u didnt plan to spend it in the first case so in that manner the items on my wishlist have been staying on my wishlist for quite a while..
c) hmm as u all already know ive got my butt off the couch and enrol towards obtaining y Driver's Licence and it the not so distant future will take my next step in the process by sitting for my Final Theory Examination thus im gonna wan to get over that obstacle and proceed on to the next challenge of being in the car itself.. i guess for the next few days/weeks ill do my part and on the other hand will be counting on being in ur thoughts/prayers to wish me well on my next adventure on 23rd January 2009..
d) next on my list would be to achieve a dream that i have and put on hold.. this dreams require talent which needs to be polished and nurtured which require time and opportunity in the hopes of gaining experience and hopefully one day ill be able to make myself believe that i have attained what i seek but for now i guess the dream will appear bleak in the distance..
ciao..
posted by: mfirdie @ 10:03 PM
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so with yet another layout ive renamed the title as
the fall guy.. perhaps unknown to many of u my life so far has not been taken easy and up till today im still the ictim of stereotype and prejudice for my race and juz mainly how im perceived to be..
i juz feel blamed for everything in the world cos thats wad ppl will lead to believe since i am who i am.. convenience to blame someone who is not in favour of society could be the main reason and i see myself as
the fall guy in most situations im involved in and at times even those i was not involved in.. its a life
where one mistake can never be hidden through a thousand deeds..
posted by: mfirdie @ 7:39 PM
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SUBJECT : MFIRDIE
AGE : 21 ++
Height : 172cm - i think
Weight : 62 kg - kilo of garam
Purpose : Get back in Shape
Starting Date : 021208
Ending Date : 221208
Abilities
Push ups(max) = 20 - i think more but my sister kept on laughing when she counted
Sit ups(in 1 min) = pant pant pant 32.. w/o support/mat/slippery floor well u get the idea..
Pull ups(max) = yet to be tested
Running Distance b4 dying = yet to be tested
Schedule
Morning - Breakfast ( no snacks in between)
Afternoon - 1 snack + Lunch
Dinner - 1 snack + Dinner
*No eating after 9pm will gradually get earlier
Programme
Running - as and when i feel like it (haha) and if it doesnt rain
*thats very much i can do.. Hee..
Wish me luck and ill see u in 20 days..
posted by: mfirdie @ 1:38 AM
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okie now for the update.. on saturday went for the last of my yoga classes as the free 2 weeks subscription ends on sunday and im practically lazy to go for sunday classes.. im actualli supposed to attend classes on friday mind u but im too lazy.. i dunno if its me but stretching ur body to the limits juz never do it for me.. and i wanna complain.. i dunno how but the instructors on saturday somehow had the feeling that it was gonna be the last time that i was gonna be there and somehow pick on me while i do the stretching exercises.. i mean ever had the feeling that u could do the stretching but juz felt like taking it easy well the instructor juz pushed me further and asked me to hold on.. the other class was worse i guess and he twisted and turned my body to its limits literally left me shaking for his "
5 more seconds...." and forever citing
"one more deep breath..." thats it den the end of my yoga classes..
as the month wore on, i was dried up in cash so i offered to help out at my fren's cousin's wedding in exchange for some cash.. well literally the job was easy juz clearing the tables once the guests were done with their meals and practically standing around if they ever needed help in finding the food, drinks or anything else.. deserving a mention though was that this
friend of mine was onli introduced to me like ONCE in my life, well he's actually a friend of a friend and on that day in itself i was there with his other friends whom i dunno and well u know the scenario of working in a place where everybody knows everybody BUT you.. anyway i thought i did well and walked away with this :
tadaaaaa... now wasnt that nice.. so from there i lugged the
nasi minyak and met my girlfren.. planned to go to the new Downtown East but i felt it was quite a hassle given the time of the day(it was already evening and im known for my laziness) so settled for Changi Airport and yes u guessed it we had Popeye's for dinner.. yay..
well anyway i especially loved Popeye's for its BUN which they call a biscuit for its taste naturally but i know that quite a few people have been having issues with it complaining that its not nice and that the soft insides were kind of disgusting BUT screw you!!!!!! juz give me the BUNS and ill eat them.. i almost stole from a lady who left her ermmm BUN on the tray and cast it aside.. hee..
on monday morning like i said i had my BTT and well i guess it was tough...... waking up early and worrying if i would make it in time for the test... i was nervous........ waiting for the train and at the MRT station wondering if i stood at the right place where the shuttle bus will ferry us there.. i was quite anxious and worried...... standing and waiting outside the classroom at 0940(my test was at 1030) reading through the book and awaiting for them to call us in.. i got terminal No.19 and was the 5th one to enter the class.. there were quite a few foreigners AND foreign workers in my company and all their questions and behaviour were realli the onli thing that was distracting me while other than that i guessed i was well prepared and felt fine.. and after 15 mins of the test..
I
but on the downside the results of the test realli took quite a while to be registered in the system and i was unable to book my FTT right there and then plus the fact that i didnt have money.. i was also told that the machine where we print out the results were out of order and thus those of them who wanted to apply for the PDL also had to come back on another day.. well being the
paranoid dude i wanted to enquire whether there was anything they can do so i sent them an enquiry.. hahahah.. the funny thing was their enquiries are listed under 3 categories.. COMPLIMENTS, SUGGESTIONS & COMPLAINTS.. well so i put it under the 3rd option... i juz received a call from them telling me that i could book my FTT now this morning.. but i hav no money anyway to book.. lalala..
well that was my updates for the weekend so onto today..
posted by: mfirdie @ 1:11 AM
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i missed 2 days of jogging guiltily as i wander around doing nothing but eat and eat.. had a bad case of shitting last night.. seriously i tell u in the middle of the whole process
i farted like there was an atomic bomb juz landed on the toilet bowl and due to the radioactive effect the remains juz kept flowing without control.. guess thats quite the imagery and too much information.. sorrie..
was at my gf place yesterday for dinner in order to be able to catch my 7pm show even though it turned out to be a sucky episode.. i dun realli like it wen obvious altercations happen in shows that i know that it will take another 2 to 3 more episodes before it is resolved and yet we are back to square one where the characters were to begin with so thats not much of a point.. its juz like a plot to actually lengthen the life of the show where in actual fact it is not a necessity and prolong the suffering the characters have to go thru..
niwaes i played Raving Rabbits with my gf and her lil bro since thats the only game she had and i think i saved my pride by not being the loser without much experience in the game.. hey wad can i say?? im a gamer after all..
and finally to the last piece of news.. a new medic has been transferred over to the medical center today and i guess he's been tasked to relief me of my duty as a pharmacist in the medical center and now guess what.. im the receptionist.. from pharmacist to receptionist.. get it??
hmm and xiaojun going to Bangkok soon in december and well i pray for her and her frens together with those of u guys that are planning trips over that the trouble over there clears up soon and things go back to its peaceful state so as not to hamper ur trip and so that u all dun get into unnecessary trouble when u guys are there.. so lets all hope for the best.. so since shes going over well lets take the opportunity to ask for her help to search for stuff on my wishlist..
here goes..
posted by: mfirdie @ 11:17 PM
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Mohamad Firdaus
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