hey guys..
hmm its been a while truly.. for now my record is 2 down 2 more to go.. im currently off studying for fmgt and B-Law with all important HRM tmr and of cos the most torturous of them all CMA on fridae so luck blessed on my side in my journey over the next few days.. been studying today too okie.. i did most today for e record.. im familiarised with certain aspects of the paper for tmr and before i forget remind me to get the last two chapters for the paper after this entry aight.. as u all can see.. bottom there v i put up a pic of yeabah at the DanceWorks 2006 prelims.. hopefully more of that to come in the finals.. Yeah congratulations to us.. u noe what is unbelievable.. i cant believe we beat the Lil White Riding Hood in the dance segment.. thas quite a feat considering their reputation.. but hats off to them too.. surely more to come in the finals..
hmm i juz feel so down again.. anyways since wen i was up aight.. heh.. i dunno i guess im a guy who likes to avoid conflict but somehow or rather still get dragged or voluntarily enter into by my own accord.. lets talk about that as being in the wrong place at the wrong time.. hmm luck goes a long way i guess.. and hey.. luck.. if ur listening i think its time for u to visit ur uncle ol' firdie here aight.. hasnt been seeing u much of late.. im down on my luck.. i guess my life is destined in destroying others.. so i dunno.. dun come near me? Warning? heh u all decide k.. have a happy life..
posted by: mfirdie @ 4:31 AM
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i guess im going to be busy with dance for the next few weeks.. and for a good cause at that.. journey to the finals can be a long winding road.. ensuring that u dun get sick and tired of the steps.. i guess new ideas help.. and hope there will be.. being in this position is kind of boring too.. waiting and waiting.. hopefully it comes soon.. GO YEABAH!!
posted by: mfirdie @ 9:20 PM
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YeaBah..
seated on the carpeted fllor.. it was a blow for me when they announced the High Energy Award.. Lil White Riding Hood with the title this year.. I was expecting the award for the 2nd year running even joked about it with Faliq the whole day.. Frankly that was the only award that i was vying for and felt realistically enough to achieve this year.. call me pessimistic if u wan to but deep within my heart i knew we had a chance.. at the very least 3rd place was within our grasp and we had to snatch it away from the rest of the average teams.. we were a lil bit above average and that has to be evident in our performance..
i felt that the reaction we got from the crowd was great.. we were the ones to set the tone.. i felt that way.. we were without supporters.. no crowds no frens.. not many at least but we did not need them to be there.. we had in it for ourselves to entertain the crowd and we did it.. we got the first applause and support from the appreciative audience and then i knew we were on our way.. the dry taste in my mouth after the performance further stamped the chances.. i knew then that i had done my best..
however as e results were being read out.. we faced a barren of prizes and expected it was not to be our day.. my day too turned cloudy when the energy award passed.. that was it i guess.. time to pack and head home.. but hey i wanna see the team in green perform again.. they were the sure champions.. it was worth the time there.. third prize was announced.. i was so distant in my tots.. i din hear it properly.. i onli realise the excitement when i saw this heap of ppl in gold and black jumping about.. my dancemates and they were running to the stage.. hmm it struck me late.. we won! we won! we got 3rd place! it never felt so good to be 3rd before..
and that was it.. We are YeaBah.. DanceWorks 2006.. See you at the finals..
posted by: mfirdie @ 7:31 AM
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feeling utterly dejected once again like any other day that has become the norm.. everyday is a gloomy day and wy issit so difficult to find things that are joyful for a change.. it feels sucky waking up everyday and even so wen im going to sleep but yet wy is that so.. wer has my smile gone to.. wers the presence of my laughter.. wy so much unhappiness.. i dun ask for much yet the glimmer of hope has been put off so long ago.. and now.. i cant even light the fire.. i feel so useless yet helpless and oblivious in doing somnething about it..
i guess thats my life..
posted by: mfirdie @ 5:25 AM
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really.. truly.. how can anyone live like this.. i have had a whole load of things to say on this one matter itself.. and trust me when i say it will never end.. almost everything had been said.. yet nothing has barely changed.. this truly sux.. im talking about a place that i live in, a place i supposedly call home..
to put it plainly.. my home sucks.. to the core kind of sucks.. haiz im truly frustrated with the situation.. when does one ever feel like coming back to a home like mine.. truly impossible... its already bad enough that i dun have a room.. but with other ppl living with me.. argh pure torture.. i need a house to live in.. not some dump..
posted by: mfirdie @ 4:38 AM
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depression welcomes me to its world where i lay dead.. i lay dead from all the troubles inside of me.. as it all twirls around the empty space.. i see its blurred vision of all the pain and anguish that has haunted me all this while.. dare i smile? dare i smirk? with the pleasure of emptiness and nothingness that fills me now.. what do i have now? whats left for me in this mixed up world where nothing is what it seems and anything could happen within the blink of an eye..
that remains to be the reason why after so long i havent batted an eyelid.. im afraid and shudder at the thought of things changing with the accidental blink that could happen anytime now.. pls let me stay awake.. leave my eyes wide open for the taking.. keep all the dusts away.. away from my watchful eye.. i pry it up into a wide circle surrounding the place with my vision.. but for how much longer.. i noe one day it will come.. one day i will have to blink and the inevitable will happen..
why? why must it happen i keep on asking myself.. yet my efforts were fruitless.. i noe it too yet i continued.. i have no answers available.. i am of no use.. i feel so helpless yet refuses help.. im tired.. im awfully drained.. i will fall one of this day and im afraid its not going to be a soft landing awaiting me.. ill fall and will fall hard.. when im awake everything will be different.. i will be different.. will i remember then what has ensued.. what has happened while i remain oblivious to the world.. i will suffer like i always do.. and the beauty of it all.. i suffer alone..
posted by: mfirdie @ 4:55 AM
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In a world wer i live
i remain a villain
the one with the horns the evil mind
where all the blame is pushed my way..
Destined to my fate i am confined..
In a world where i barely breathe my ppl hate..
e individual that lurks inside of me..
What a cruel turn of fate..
In a world i stood bravely
they shoot me down
Even when i lay motionlessly dead
thrown into the sea.. i was left to drown..
On e land where u walk
death lurks not far behind..
waiting for the moment to pounce
interfering with my fragile mind..
When i finally am put to rest..
Will i finally find peace?
when noone will blame me for their fall..
hopefully they will forget i ever exist..
posted by: mfirdie @ 4:44 AM
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am i really fine as i seem.. from the outlooks of it i feel fine.. i may appear fine.. but deep deep down something is realli bothering me.. can anyone help me pls? can anyone lend me a hand? i feel so miserable for now.. ive been depressed lately too and i guess its juz a phase that one goes through after the fun is over and the curtains close.. wad realli happens after the show.. in my case i guess ive been having too much of fun for too long and forgot my appointment with Mr Sadness.. yup so for that im being kept for check-ups for an awfully long time..
somebody pls visit me while im here.. yet everyone seems so busy.. truly noone seems to care.. hey its cool for my normal days.. but for these few days i realli could need some of your help if that is okie.. i feel loved yet lonely.. i realli dunno wads happening to me.. i wanna be happy but im always stuck with this guilt.. i cant be happy.. i dunno wy.. wy am i restricted to be in this manner.. somebody help me?
posted by: mfirdie @ 7:02 AM
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i love my gf u noe.. but yet it sounds so wrong.. maybe its the way i do it too.. im always in the wrong anyways.. its not that im speaking in a sarcastic tone but its true.. im the cause of all the troubles.. shes truly a pure angel and yet me.. who am i?? to be compared with such a beauty.. but yet she remains by my side.. im scared of losing her truthfully i sae.. every single day.. each and every moment i live in fear that she will walk away from me.. but wad can i do.. i aint helping much juz by being me..
im leading an unbalanced life.. my gf is my life and i guess thats wad making it unbalanced.. but dun get me wrong here.. im not the one complaining.. she is.. i guess i care for her too much for her liking.. i was concerned about her too much.. looking out for her too often.. i guess i nv realli gave her a chance to live her own life.. i guess thats wad is making her unhappy.. perhaps all this and maybe much more.. for that u have to ask her yourself.. bottomline for me is that im not doing such a fine job as a bf.. like ive said before.. its only fitting that im Firdaus.. the capital F stands for failure..
im sorry dear..
im a failure..
posted by: mfirdie @ 8:50 AM
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Happy Valentine's Day..
to one and all celebrate the day of love.. with your special one or even with your dear friends.. flowers bloom and chocolates spread amongst all.. a joyous dae it should be.. in time i will be spending this special occassion with my significant other.. hope i can give her happiness on this special event.. hope she enjoys everlasting love from one who truly is deserving of hers..
I love u dearie..
Happy Valentine's Day..
posted by: mfirdie @ 9:42 PM
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been reading thru my autograph book today.. and the one common thing i came across was their comments.. comments about being a great dancer.. comments about the fun i had and the entertainment i provided them.. but eventually one thing stood out amongst all.. they said i was lame.. and it dawned on me.. i was and proclaimed myself as "King Of Lameness".. but truly i believe he's gone.. wer was that King in me.. wer did he go.. wer was the fun that i used to have.. vanished.. but to wer.. someone tell me wer it is it went so i can go back and retrieve it.. King of Lameness has turned sour.. im King of Sadness now if u ask me..
anyway i bumped into an old fren today.. it has been three years if i counted properly since i saw him.. he was my 1st best fren in sec 1 and we were best buds for the 1st 2 years of my life in sec sch.. eventually parted classes in sec 3 & 4.. yet he's truly a character to rmb.. becos of him i am wad u see today.. he has a great impact on my life.. i wasnt as outspoken as i am now u noe.. i was that shy timid guy that could eventually turn into a loser.. but with him he brought me to the wild side.. self proclaimed playboy.. former gangster.. he's all that i am and will never be.. yet he taught me a great deal of life.. and voila.. me of today..
hey amri..
if i nv ever get to see you again.. i wish u all the best in your life and thanks for everything u have done for me.. truly i owe everything to u.. without u i would not be where i am today not saying the person i am today.. i owe u that much..
peace out..
posted by: mfirdie @ 6:58 AM
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wad makes me think that im so great.. whoever makes me have e impression that i can do great things.. whatever makes me better than anyone else.. doing things better than anyone that i noe.. being better than anyone that i noe.. making me superior.. a level above everyone else.. what makes me so?
nothing makes me so.. cos im not.. i noe that im not.. somebody lift me up.. im slipping from my grasp.. im not happyy.. im bummed.. help..
posted by: mfirdie @ 4:39 AM
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im truly in love with u
thats all i have ever said
thats something i will continue to say
and u noe it is true
sincerity exists within me
and its something u cannot deny
for all the times i make u sad
i love u more than u do u cannot lie
facts will remain as it is
evident so clearly yet hazy it remains
what more should i do
wen all has known when i repeat again
i den should turn and realise
im juz me a lowly being
never in my dreams should i put u here
u deserve more than i can give ever
i ask myself
i tell myself
u have told me..
i was not meant to be..
posted by: mfirdie @ 4:41 AM
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i guess..
i dun deserve to be loved by you..
posted by: mfirdie @ 9:39 AM
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wy do i stay awake in the middle of the night
wy do i fall asleep in the morning
my mind wanders into empty space
I wonder to myself, wy am i me?
wad has everything got to do with me
wy am i involved in all but one
wad crime have i committed to be punished
what wrong have i done to be taught
my life is like a whirlwind
its neverending toss and turn
yet i continue to get up
wiping off the dirt and marching on
wad gives me strength to keep living each day
wad gives me courage to face obstacles in my way
wad prevents me from crying at night
wer did all the pain go? vanished out of sight
yet if i look closer i noe i will find
all the tears, the hurt, the pain still remains
beating as one cracked ready to burst
deep in my heart they stay contained and safe..
posted by: mfirdie @ 4:22 PM
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the end of the week has arrived and who noes what lays in store for me in the upcoming days.. my life has been a mess and it will always will be.. feeling the downside of things has became common challenges of life that remains to exist in mine.. ever so stubbornly refusing to stay away.. but what can i do but accept its arrival and therefore welcomes its presence in my life already full of mishaps..
i juz feel that i am not able to do anything right.. always making ppl unhappy.. making myself unhappy.. that for certain does not do much for a boost of morale.. am i just a shadow of my former self.. the one who wrote bout enjoying life.. the one whose aim to live was to have fun.. the one whose life was filled with fun.. where had alll the fun go? where did it go and cruelly left me behind.. given a choice would i follow?
u all should thank Him that u all are not me.. onli i noe what kind of trouble i have got myself into.. my decisions made.. im not worthy of any of u.. i juz bring pain and suffering wherever i go.. am i the angel of suffering den? wy den would it still be called an Angel? i test my endurance and perseverance in getting thru these tough times.. i pray that i will emerge from the darkness.. not as a survivor but someone who has to go through something which was worse than what he had been through.. from the shadows to the darkness right into a bottonless pit..
posted by: mfirdie @ 4:16 PM
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wy am i living in a world of trouble? wer it never ends and peacefulness never seems to set in.. wy am i allowed to carry on this way.. always having lacking of and never too much.. how do i then describe the reason im here.. after all that ive gone thru.. reaching this peak is an achievement.. yet i stop for a rest.. all the while pondering about what lies in store over the mountain top.. more challenges, more trouble, more hardship awaits.. i then turn a round and ask myself.. is this life? yet no answer i get once more.. i trun back facing all the nightmares that awaits.. grinning from ear to ear, haunting my vision.. yet i noe there is no way back, no where else to go except through those troubles..
its true i will survive.. yet harmed enough that i wished that i had perished.. wy am i always saved only to lead on facing tougher challenges.. wy am i always spared to endure all this pain.. when will the day comes when everything will end.. when will this torture, suffering ends.. what good is life den when it has become worse than death itself.. wy am i still here?
posted by: mfirdie @ 3:52 AM
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wer has the time flown to while i lay awake still walking about.. where did it lay hidden when did it pass.. after a while do i realise that its there no more and im left to carry on with the time that i has wasted.. wy did i till now reach when so long ago i could have been.. wy do i take too long a time accomplish all that i had.. wy now did i try when it still remains a fact of being too late..
wy do ppl misunderstand me for who i am.. wy dun ppl accept the things that i want.. wy izzit i have to remain a slave of others yet none followers of mine.. wy do i remain a follower with being a leader of noone who wants to lead.. noone wants to lead my life that being understood yet wy should i be the one that follows others who lead.. i dun wan to go on and stop having my own path with my own beliefs and principles that onli i would understand.. and one day u will follow..
posted by: mfirdie @ 1:56 AM
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juz get out of my life will u? stop bothering the both of us and dun hold on to any hopes of ever being apart of my life.. not as a fren.. u dun even deserve a part of my memory.. this is the last time i ever wan to say this.. u are nobody to me.. u have meant nothing to me.. i was blinded with nothing.. it juz seems that i blacked out during those months that i cannot even see anything.. i was blind.. i have no senses.. its all a fluke.. its my deepest regret.. i dun care wad u wish for.. i dun care wad u wan.. all i noe is wad i wan.. i wan a life that dosen include you.. u dun deserve anything from me and i will be the first one to tell u that nobody cares.. i dun care o make things right.. THINGS ARE RIGHT..
im back with my beloved one.. thats all that matters to me.. stop being a pest and get ou of my life.. get out of everybody's life while ur at it.. u dun even belong a place in this world.. juz get lost will u..
posted by: mfirdie @ 8:47 PM
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wy do i fall in love.. wy do i immerse myself in this dreamy world.. wy do i imagine myself to be this ultimate person that im not.. love stories remain to be a fiction and now after so long, ive begin to doubt the power of love.. yes, even me.. the love sick one.. ive fallen and liked so many in a small period of time.. noone doubts the power of my love.. i believe it was intense feeling and i care so much about my loved ones.. yet reciprocated i was not able to receive.. i continued giving and giving... yet i do not receive the substantial amount needed for me to keep on believing.. now i ask.. what is this thing called 'love' that i was so sure for so long.. how is love going to help me.. how issit going to change me.. i do all things for love.. i sacrifice my life for love.. i gave up everything i had for love.. and now i ask all for wad? for love? yes i answered, for love.. No i answered, i do not receive love.. yet what do i receive.. i received rejection.. i received dejection.. noone believes in love like i do.. noone wants to believe in love..they all fear being in love.. love hurts they say.. they say true.. love truly hurts, i agree.. but for a person who personified love.. i took it all in my stride.. wy izzit that im not afraid? wy izzit that i give so much? who am i truly? me myself do not know.. what do i have that is so special that allows me to do all this? what have i done to deserve all this? how did i endure all this hurt within me?
The answer is.. im a normal being.. and like every normal being.. they one day crumple and wilt.. today is the day for me..
posted by: mfirdie @ 8:44 AM
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Mohamad Firdaus
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